Girls weren’t into me in school but I believed that one day, maybe through work or something, I find a great woman and we’d go out for a while and then we’d get married.

We would have a child or two and live out in the suburbs. I’d do dad things like play catch, throw a football around, get suckered into tea parties with Mr. Flopsy and Mrs. Patchquilt. My wife would do wife things and make me do wife things just to be fair.

We’d have friends and throw New Years parties and Halloween parties and have family over for Thanksgiving and Christmas. We would head off on vacations and have fun but tiring times.

The kids would get married and have kids of their own and we’d do the grandparent thing and spoil the kids rotten.

At some point, I guess, I would pass away surrounded by my family.

None of that happened. I have been married, but they never worked out very well. I never had kids of my own. I don’t even have friends so there’s no point in throwing parties.

Some people have no regrets; I have nothing but. I wouldn’t recommend it.



Wherein I make a decision and then rescind that decision and do quite a lot of waffling about it.

My life isn’t terrible. Granted, I don’t have any friends (not true, I have 1 1/2 friends), I don’t have family that cares about me (mostly true, but not entirely), I don’t have a family of my own (totally true), and women, as a rule, don’t care for me very much.

Unlike some people, however, I have a job and a place to live. I’m in mostly good health. I have a cool car. So, there you go. I have stuff.

The question, I guess, is was it worth it? All the things that happened to me, that I went through, that I put myself through… Was it all worth it to bring me to this place where I am now?

I haven’t done anything really good in my life. I haven’t cured cancer. I haven’t brought joy to millions. I’ve done a lot of nothing, really. So I thought, “What if I used this new blog thing to write about my life?” I started it to keep it away from people I knew so I could write freely without offending anyone. The only way someone would find it would be by searching for it and I don’t think anyone cares enough to bother.

You may be confused. If I have people that I don’t want to offend, why don’t I have friends or family that gives a crap? I have a lot of acquintences on social media. Most of them I’ve never met, they’re just people I ended up connecting with online. I’m also connected with my family, although there isn’t much interaction. I’m sure if I said that they didn’t care they’d be up in arms saying it wasn’t true. But, you see, that would be the only interaction I would get. It would literally take offending them to be noticed by them.

So I’m not too worried about someone searching and finding this.

Writing about my life would be difficult for me. I recognize that, in the past, I wasn’t the best person I could have been. Some would argue that, too, saying that I was a perfectly wonderful person. I know better.

My hope would be that someone might read it, see the mistakes I made and then not do them. It’s just that simple. In reality, I could just make a short bullet list of things not to do and get it over with really quick. That loses impact, though, when there’s no context given. For example, you can go ahead and tell someone not to spend a lot of money on stupid things but they’re going to do it anyway because, hey, who knows what will happen in the future? But when you tell them not to spend money on stupid things because they might need it in the future for something important, then it begins to take shape that there are ramifications for actions.

Maybe, then, I can do a good thing for someone else by pointing out the errors I have made.

On the other hand, some people just don’t get it unless they make their own mistakes. There’s no way around that.

On the other, other, hand do I want to give away that much information about myself? And, also, I would need to be considered an unreliable narrator. Not out of a desire to mislead, but because I can have a pretty poor memory, sometimes. Also everything I say is colored by who I am and my own expectations and realizations.

Maybe I should think about this some more.


The time I did nothing

Ever have one of those days? A day when you don’t feel like doing anything? I mean, nothing. At all. I’m having one of those days. Right now.

I don’t feel like playing games. I don’t feel like reading. There’s nothing I particularly want to watch. I don’t feel like going anywhere. I don’t feel like napping. I sure as hell don’t feel like doing the dishes or the laundry. I don’t, it may surprise you, feel like writing.

I could, literally (the real ‘literally’, not the ironic ‘literally’), sit here and do absolutely nothing. Nothing. Stare at the wall not moving, nothing.

Tomorrow I’d feel bad about it. Monday I’d feel even worse. I’d sit there at work thinking, “Man, I had all day Saturday to move those boxes into the closet. To disconnect the unused computer equipment and move it out of the way. I could have played games all day. I wish I could do any of that right now.”

But right now, nah, I don’t feel like doing it. Any of it. I sure don’t want to feel bad Monday, though.

So I’ll do my laundry. Not so much for me, but for the people I have to be around. If I worked from home I’d just not do it and sit around working in my underwear. Or nothing. Maybe just socks. I don’t work from home, though, so that means wearing clothes. What a fascist society we live in. But, again, it’s not for me so much as the people I have to be around.

I should write about something, though. If I’m going to go through the trouble of typing something. Let me look around. Nope, that’s not helping. All I see is crap.

I think the problem is that I didn’t get much sleep last night. I think, and this is going to sound a little sad, but I think I was so excited about getting an external SSD for my Mac that I just couldn’t sleep. It’s very small, thankfully; it could probably fit in a cigarette pack. It’s thin, so maybe two would fit.

But I’m tired right now. I don’t want to take a nap because if I sleep for an hour I probably won’t get to sleep later tonight. That’s how I am.

Anyway, while I was looking around for something to write about, I disconnected to NAS devices I’m not using anymore. Also, an external USB hard drive got moved so I could see what was on it (a 3 TeraByte drive that’s empty), and a monitor finally got socked away.

I work in the computer field but I’m sure I have more computer equipment than anyone I know. A lot of it is hard drives. So much so, that I built my own NAS and stocked it full of drives for the sole purpose of getting rid of the other two I just put in the closet.

Hopefully my electric bill will go down a bit. On the plus side, my big ugly shelf is now almost empty on top. I just need to do something with the wireless router and Ethernet switch.

Seriously. I could put a small business to shame with the junk I have here.

Maybe that’s why an iMac is so desirable to me? The idea of having one desk, with one computer on it, that’s barely noticable but for the monitor. Not this multi-computer, dual keyboard, dual mouse, three monitor extravaganza I have going on now.

One computer.


The mind wobbles.

What a shame, then, that I’m already planning on buying a new Wi-Fi router because I finally have a device that uses 802.11ac. And a 10GB switch because there’s a couple now below $13,000.00. That, of course, means buying two new 10GB network cards. Yes. Two. Seems kind of a waste for two computers, but, being single with no kids, I can afford to splurge. If I had friends I would buy LED flashing Ethernet cables just for the ‘Wow!’ Factor. “You actually paid money for these? Wow!”

I also want an iPad. I know not why. And to upgrade my computer to the new AMD Threadripper.

I know, I know, you don’t care about computer shit. I don’t blame you. I don’t either, except it’s all I got. If it wasn’t computers, I’d be buying high-end stereo equipment and insisting that “You really can tell the difference if you listen hard enough!” Or cars. I’d be spending thousand of dollars on… I don’t know. Cat back exhaust? Headers? Tail pipe tips?

I could probably make me and people who know me.a lot happier if I just spent it on hookers. Or, maybe, a plane ticket to Russia to meet some of those single ladies that want to come over to the US.

But I would hate to bring a smart, educated, beautiful woman thousands of miles across the ocean just so she could look at my networking equipment and say, “That’s it?”

That happens, right?


We all have them. Even me. I remember a lot of them, too. They mostly have the same general theme, which is being kind of lost but trying to help someone else find their way.

Dream interpretation is something I don’t usually go for. It is my belief that dreams are very personal to the dreamer and whatever it means (if anything) is something only that person would be able to figure out. Books on dream interpretation may say, for example, that water means physical sex. To the dreamer, it might mean a mortal fear of water and not something sexy at all. My therapist always wants me to tell her what I think my dreams mean. I have no idea. Maybe a book would help.

My dreams start in public places. A restaurant, maybe. Or an open air flea market. I’m usually alone. Sometimes my dad is there and I talk to him for a little while. Sometimes, I know my wife is there but I can’t see her. Or I can’t see her face. She’s never near me, though.

At some point I start walking and trying to figure out where I’m going. Usually trying to find an exit. The surroundings gradually change. A big shopping mall might turn into a small town tree-lined street, for example. It’s never a sudden change like walking through a door. Somewhere along the line I’ll meet someone else (usually a woman) who is also lost and I’ll invite the to come along with me. Every once in a while I’ll be attracted to the woman and start thinking about making advances. Suddenly, they will have a significant other. Seriously. Even in my dreams I have no luck.

Then the alarm goes off and I wake up.

One time I dreamed that there was a door in my (very small) apartment that I never noticed. I opened the door and found the ‘rest’ of my apartment. It was huge with at least two floors and a fireplace. I can’t even tell you how annoyed I was when I woke up and realized that I wasn’t missing 3/4 of my apartment.

Make of that what you will.


So, I’m not saying I don’t have introverted tendencies. I probably do. While I like being in large, lively, groups I tend to be more quiet around people I don’t know. When I get to know people better, though, then I’ll talk non-stop. I’m not particularly good at small talk, though. There’s not much about the weather that hasn’t been thoroughly hashed through already.

I’m also careful about what I say. I have a peculiar sense of humor and I know that puts people off, sometimes. For some reason, people take me far too seriously when I’m saying something that (to me) is obiously ridiculous. It feels easier to keep my mouth shut than to explain what I’m talking about.

That makes it a little difficult for me to just walk up to somebody in a bar and start talking to them. The rare times when I have done something like that, it usually ended quickly.

The other day I was in the grocery store with my mother. I do things like that because I am a Good Son. Well, not really. But I try to be. Anyway, while walking around the aisles bored I saw what looked like an old woman in a frumpy dress. She had her back to me and was looking at product on the shelf. I let my gaze drop down to the bottom shelf because I really had nothing better to do but look to see what gets consigned to the spot nearest the floor. I noticed that the old lady had nice legs. Furthermore, her feet looked suprisingly young.

Later, we ended up crossing paths again and she wasn’t old at all. I don’t know why she was dressed frumpily and I’m aware enough to know that asking would not be a good pick up line. Neither would, “Say, I notice you have nice legs and pretty feet.”

Maybe it would. I assume it wouldn’t. I would think a old guy paying attention to a woman’s feet in a grocery store would be a kind of creepy thing.

The other reason why I don’t go up to random people in bars is because I don’t go to bars. But also because I always feel like I’ll be bothering someone. I don’t want to bother people. I don’t call people because I feel like whenever I call it will be the wrong time to call. And who calls people these days? And I don’t have anyone to call. But if I did, I wouldn’t call them because I feel like I’d be interrupting something.

I mean, I know what I’m doing throughout the day, which is nothing, but I don’t know how busy other people are. Weird huh? Have I mentioned I have a therapist? That’s actually fodder for a whole other post.


It appears I didn’t actually finish my last post. I got distracted by not going someplace and totally lost the thread. That happens, sometimes.

I left off at not buying an iMac and admitting that my excuse is now that I’m waiting to see what Apple announces later this year with the Mac Pro and, a remote possibility, something about new Minis.

Rather than explain everything, let me, instead, walk you through a typical purchase decision. Let’s say it’s for a new Widget and it costs $500.

The first thing to do is say, “Gosh! That new Widget is really fucking awesome! Boy, what I couldn’t do with one of those!” Then I start investigating into it more and read other impressions of the Widget.

“Let’s see,” I say to myself. “Seven thousand people think the Widget is really awesome. Six people think it’s garbage. Those six people must know something…” I trail off in my mind.

But I still kind of want that Widget. So I start talking about it at work. Constantly. “Hey! Did you see that new Widget? Is it the bee’s knees, or what?” I say. And my co-workers gently, but firmly, leave. Because they’ve been through this before, where I talk and talk and talk and talk and talk about buying something and then I never do. They’re married with kids and houses. They’re lucky if they can get away with buying a candy bar at the grocery store check out line. I have no wife, no girlfriend, no kids, and nothing that really costs me a lot so they wonder why I’m not walking around with gold teeth, hair extensions and driving a really nice car. So all this kind of annoys them.

For the record, I have a nice car. I love my car. My car is my penis extension. And nobody wants to see that either.

So, after everyone walks away I bring up my spreadsheet. Because I have a spreadsheet. It contains all the money that comes in and all the money that goes out. It’s got calculations, forecasts, graphs, running totals and Year To Date totals. And I stare at it. I stare at it wondering how that $500 will affect me in the coming months.

It won’t. Not a bit. Then I start thinking, “But what if I need that $500? What if there’s an emergency? What if I get fired tomorrow? What if…” I think of all the things that could possibly go wrong that will cost me so much that whatever $500 I spend will impact me so horribly that I’d rather kill myself than buy a Widget.

Eventually I get over it. I realize that it won’t affect my finances too much if I spend $500 once. Then I remember that I had to get the car fixed (the other one, not the good one that I love so much) one month and that cost way more than $500 and, look, here I was with another $500 to spend. Or Christmas presents for family that doesn’t care about me. Or this that and the other thing that cost about that much, if not more. So, yeah, I could spend it.

But do I really need it? No, I do not. I have a lot of other things that do the same job as a Widget. This is strictly a luxury Widget. Just something that would make me happy.

Make. Me. Happy.

Do I deserve to be happy? Maybe I don’t. Maybe I’m afraid to be happy? That’s kind of a weird thought.

Anyway, once I get to the happy part that’s when I finally decide to not buy whatever Widget is looking interesting.

Besides all this you may be wondering why I want an iMac at all. It’s mostly for the 5K screen. At the time, I was taking a lot of pictures and it would have been infinitely spiffy to be editing those photos on a giant 5K screen. These days, though, I don’t take a lot of pictures so it makes even less sense to get one.

Instead, maybe I’ll concentrate on not upgrading my Windows computer.



Due to the way my life was going a few years ago, I find that I have peculiar habits today. Back then I was always short of money (for a variety of reasons that had nothing to do with how I manage money but I won’t get into those reasons right now). After my life got worse, it got better.

I still remember the first time I went to the grocery store without checking to see if I had money in my bank account. It was a such a monumental feeling that I nearly cried walking to the car. It may not sound all that exciting but before then I had to check, make sure of how much was in there, what was due to come out, and then spend frugally, keeping track of my total down to the penny.

One might think that I went on a wild spending spree at that point, buying up stuff that I wanted and putting myself back into a hole. But, no, that’s not what happened. Instead, I ended up keeping most of the same habits.

You see, I can spend a lot of money if it’s on something I need. New tires for the car? No problem. Groceries? Also not a problem. Usually. Sometimes I’ll think I’m being a little too ‘gourmet’ and start putting things back that I don’t really need.

That’s where it all falls down, see. I have to need it. If it’s something I don’t need, but want then it’s a whole thing. For instance, four years ago I decided to get an iMac. I didn’t need one, I just wanted one. I had the money. I could have bought several. I started looking at the Apple website and figuring out which one I wanted and how much I was willing to spend. Then I waited because Apple might have introduced new ones or done some upgrades. Then I waited to see if some place would have a sale. Then I waited because it was nearly time for Apple to announce news models. Then I looked at the website again to look at prices.

I still don’t have an iMac. I still want one, but now I want the iMac Pro because it’s the most powerful one they have. There’s no way I’m spending $5,000 on a computer, though. So now I’m waiting to see what the new Mac Pro is about. Which I won’t get, either, because it will also be expensive, just like the last one was.

And that’s just how it is. I want an iPad, but I won’t get one. My mom wants an iPad and she’ll be getting one for her birthday. That I can do.

That’s why it’s a shame that there’s not a woman who wants to date me. I’d be all about going on trips and dinners and doing things and whatever. I won’t do them for me (if it’s just me), but it would make me happy to do things for someone else if it would make them happy.

On another note: I disappointed myself today. I was going to go on a drive, take pictures, pick up some bagels and, generally, do stuff. I even got up early to do it. Then I decided I didn’t feel like it. Then I went out grocery shopping at 10am and saw that it was 93F already. So… probably a good thing I didn’t go. It would have been a six hour trip, all told.